http://www.theowalkerfund.com en-gb theowalkerfund.com 2011-6-16T00:00:00Z theowalkerfund.com http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#96425 A few weekends ago we carefully folded Theos clothes up we took his sheets of his crib which had not been touched since we lay him there to rest his dummy was moved from the the same place that we had left it on the day he went to bearland along with the little hospital pillow which still had the indent of his little spiky hair from his crib. I carefully took off every sticker on his wall and have put them on a piece of paper and folded them away and the final part was to paint his room Pink It was the weekend that I was dreading I was folding away Theos things I was remembering and reliving how small he was how cuddly he was how perfect he was how delicious he was how unfair this was how painful this was and why or why is this what we are doing. We also in the same weekend breathed a new life into Theos old room we breathed the life of our little girl into it.. and there I was for a moment realising that I was a mummy sitting on the floor of their room inbetween the death of my son an... 2011-6-16 20:14:54 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#92224 httpyoutu.bep6wmbNBkX48 for you my little man on hushabye mountain.... xxxxx 2011-4-21 19:28:24 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#90375 Feel a bit wobbly with emotions today.. part of me feels happy at the moment.. think weather makes me feel better and so far touch wood pregnancy going well and there is hope that we might have our little person at the end of it.. but the other part of me starts crying when I feel happy as i feel so terrible for feeling happy..i feel its wrong and unfair on Theo.. made me realise how for the last year or so I have just felt numb to anything just a dull ache inside.. and now I feel for once happy.. and it hurts to feel happy.. its really weird...it just makes me cry.. And today i suddenly got scared that maybe im not going to be a good mummy to this little person all i know how to be is a mummy to Theo who wasnt very well and he left us.. maybe im just not meant to look after a little person and im worried that when this little person comes along I will begin to feel the real hurt and pain that i know is hidden so well inside me at the moment of not having Theo that I wont be able to co... 2011-3-28 12:25:04 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#87810 Smiles and laughter through a sad and broken heart......Sometimes it catches you unawares when your walking down the road sitting on the tube driving in the car sitting on a bus words in an email on a text or just sitting alone having a cup of tea sometimes it can be felt through laughter..its the rush of emotion that swoops upon you and sometimes you find yourself with tear drops running down your cheek unaware that they are making a small pool on your lap or the person opposite you can see them more than you can feel them. Sometimes though its a smile that spreads across your face when you remember something and your heart warms up with those memories. The memories that are so precious to you that noone can take them away The more I talk or read about other parents having lost a child the more I realise how similar the feelings are we all have.. Why them before us their innocence lost what did they do wrong how our future has changed without them how sadness now seeps into your bones... 2011-2-26 09:58:35 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#80744 This time last year Theo the bear was probably having a little snooze on my chest having been for a little walk around Fulham or having visited the local pub for some lunch or having had lots of cuddles with grannies grandpas uncles aunts godparents or a little play with his girlfriend Rosie. Then before the night is out his Daddy would have come home from work and they would have had a chitter chatter together on the sofa about their very busy days and so this time last year Dan Theo and I were a complete little family. It may have been short but it has given us these happy special memories which I know we are so fortunate to have.Theo turned 1 on 20st November the build up to it I think was actually more difficult to deal with than the actual day. You have no idea what you are going to feel like you are scared about the way you may react or not react. However I can say we survived I think the way to explain this is that every day of our lives we live with this ache this loss our bodi... 2010-12-15 17:35:16 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#77420 Theo the bear this song has come on the radio a couple of time over the last few days and I hope it is your way of saying hello to me and wrapping me up in a thousand hugs..This song reminds me of you of the day when you fell asleep in your Daddy and Mummys arms in December of last year... I know that you lit up the world when you fell asleep..you are my precious boy who I love with all my heart and sole.. I miss you Monkey Chops.. forever and ever.....You would not believe your eyesIf ten million fireflies Lit up the world as I fell asleepBecause theyd fill the open air And leave teardrops everywhereYoud think me rude but Id just stand and stareId like to make myself believeThat planet Earth turns slowlyIts hard to say that Id rather stay awake when Im asleepBecause everything is never as it seemsBecause Id get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugsAs they tried to teach me how to danceA foxtrot above my headA sockhop beneath my bedA disco ball is just hanging by a threadId ... 2010-10-9 10:49:53 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#77419 2010-10-9 10:47:15 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#74990 So new term has arrived outside my door. The school opposite is lined with mummies and little people some crying wanting to stay with their mummies some rushing in to see their friends again. There is a slight mist to the morning and chill to the air it reminds me of when I was younger and starting the autumn term at school. It reminds me of how I just wanted to stay at home with my mummy and not go anywhere. A sense of sadness crept over me then and it still remains with me now. But today its loaded with more sense of sadness a day when I wish I could see the hope that I was one day going to take Theo to school and if Im honest I want to be that mummy who is starting the autumn term. Im jealous of them all standing at the school gate. I dreamt of Theo last night. Think this must be the second time I have dreamt of him. It was such a strong feeling when I woke up. In the dream I really felt like I was his mummy I remember I was holding him in his blue and white stripped babysuit. He st... 2010-9-8 09:04:08 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#74991 2010-9-8 09:04:08 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#69460 2010-7-3 12:25:02 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#69459 To my little boy TheoMaybe today we would have walked along the river with the sun on our backs chatting away to each other about silly things i know you cant talk as your too little so I would have done the chatting for you.. maybe we would have stopped for ice cream on the way too. Maybe today I would have dressed you in some blue shorts and tshirt... and a big floopy hat...Maybe we would have stopped for a picnic in the park and now that your crawling you would be enjoying the grass inbetween your toes and fingers. Maybe we would have dipped our toes in the water to cool you down and splashed about with lots of giggles... maybe we would have got sleepy together and had a snooze under a big tree.... maybe we would stop for a cuppa tea in a coffee shop on the way home and I would have shown you off to all the world to see..maybe now we would have gone home to find Daddy.. I KNOW that now we would wrap you up in our arms and cudddle you and sing you to sleep tell you how much we love y... 2010-7-3 12:25:01 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#68444 2010-6-20 20:37:52 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#68443 It feels like Dan and I have been in quite a dark place for the last month. It crept upon us slowly and then we realised we were in the midst of what felt like nomans land. We could neither go back to the life we desperately wanted which is to have our little boy with us and be a happy family nor are we particularly moving forward to anywhere else. There are moments when you feel its all a bit pointless and your tolerance level for the world around you is fairly limited and the energy you once felt you had is now somewhere in the bottom of a big pit I sometimes describe it as walking through thick oil You are desperate to be able reach the otherside but your feet just get stuck but your top half keeps on trying to swim through it. I was asked if I would prefer to be walking through thick oil or be back in the punching ring fighting for Theo. Hands down I would be back in the punching ring. If I could take those punches again for Theo I would. I would take them over and over again becau... 2010-6-20 20:37:51 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#62291 I dont really want to only write this when I am feeling down but I guess writing is a form of Therapy so by the end of this blog i might feel betterToday I woke up feeling really quite teary I had a dream about Theo last night it was such a comfort to have he was a proper little boy with light brown hair and a cheeky smile But waking up from that dream bought me back to earth with a bump and the realisation of how much I am missing Theo. Its the small things at the moment that really break my heart like looking out of my bedroom window to the school opposite and watching a child cling onto the leg of his mummy because he doesnt want to leave her its watching a little person fall over in the street and their mummy picks them up and kisses them to make them feel better. Its seeing Dads out together playing with their boys and feeling the pain for Dan at the same time as feeling your own pain. Its wanting to drive Dan to golf today but not with Biggles the dog but with Theo in the back of... 2010-5-14 08:32:03 http://www.theowalkerfund.com/page4.htm#62256 Its only been three months since we said goodbye to Theo.. I say only 3 months as sometimes 3 months can whizz by whereas sometimes it can go by so slowly. This time last year I was eagerly waiting my 12 week scan for Theo. That seemed like the longest 3 months of my life The excitement and anticipation of waiting to see a new life forming in you can seem to take so long. Yet I look back to 21st December 2009 the day that Theo passed away and in some ways it feels like life has stood still while the world whizzes by clocks go forward and a new season emerges I cant deny that with the clocks going forward and the days being longer it begins to help an aching heart for Theo. So in these past 3 months Dan and I have started to learn and deal with what grieving is about. I decided very early on that I was not going to let grief beat me or destroy me I know that this probably isnt the right way to go about dealing with grief. I started to read grief books very quickly after Theo passed away... 2010-4-5 18:34:11