Theo Walker Fund

A few weekends ago, we carefully folded Theo's clothes up, we took his sheets of his crib which had not been touched since we lay him there to rest, his dummy was moved from the the same place that we had left it on the day he went to bearland, along with the little hospital pillow which still had the indent of his little spiky hair from his crib. I carefully took off every sticker on his wall and have put them on a piece of paper and folded them away and the final part was to paint his room Pink! It was the weekend that I was dreading, I was folding away Theo's things I was remembering and reliving how small he was, how cuddly he was, how perfect he was, how delicious he was, how unfair this was, how painful this was, and why or why is this what we are doing.

We also in the same weekend, breathed a new life into Theo's old room, we breathed the life of our little girl into it.. and there I was for a moment realising that I was a mummy sitting on the floor of their room inbetween the death of my son and the life of my new girl.. and I was sad, happy, excited, lost, I was everything all rolled into one. I also felt immense guilt at times. The guilt comes from feeling that all I can do for Theo now is put his clothes in a drawer under a bed and guilt for wanting to celebrate and paint my little girls room pink and to allow myself to put stickers up again for her. I feel guilty for the fact that I have bought her a new cot and moses basket.

I have however recently started to allow myself to buy clothes for our little girl.. but I have my own way of doing it, its sort of a bit of a superstition I have! I have decided I can only buy her an outfit when I am in a shop buying something else which has no connection! For example, today, I was in M and S and my purpose for being in there was to buy food only, but I walked past the baby section and thought as i'm in here anyway I will buy her something! Or i was in Monsoon the other day trying to find myself a top, but again I walked past the baby section and thought I will let myself buy something for her and so I did! There are two reasons I do this, one because when I go into a proper baby shop I usually look at the baby clothes and cry and walk out! It feels too much to do but secondly, I am scared of something happening to this baby and I will jinx it if I buy too many baby clothes and if something did happen to her, then at least I know I would not have bought too many clothes for her at this stage! Guess it's just my way of protecting myself from what i am terrified off and that's loosing my daughter...

However the weekend of sorting out Theo's room and the arrival of new baby walkers room has also bought a sense of relief. That day was going to have to happen and I was scared, but again we survived it and we have come through the other side! It makes me believe and know that I am pleased that we didn't fall pregnant sooner with our precious little daughter as had we would have had to have put away his clothes 6months ago and change his room that soon, I would have felt like we were not allowing him to be part of our home properly and it would have been too soon, whereas even though it was heartbreaking to do it didn't feel like we were doing it too soon, the time felt right as if Theo was accepting it too for us. It doesn't mean that I don't go into our daughters new room without thinking about Theo and I can still feel the ache in my heart...but perhaps also that is because there is no baby yet in there for me to cuddle anyway.. but i can walk in there and also feel excitment and happiness too for the new arrival. What pains me the most is that I have to feel both pain and happiness when really I should be just feeling happiness for having a son who would be waddling around at the moment and a new person on the way.. This two fold of happiness and sadness comes hand in hand with pregnancy..

The other day we got the all clear with baby walkers heart and we didn't have to come back for more scans..it was a moment that I never thought we would hear! But combined with this huge moment of relief and happiness comes this moment of huge heartache and pain again.. It just made me realise again the unfairness for Theo, how well this little person is as she kicks around so much and makes herself known to me, how scared I am when little person comes out and she looks pink instead of grey and blue and what a shock that will be for me, how it will make me realise that blue/grey is not normal for babies, but in my eyes that's all I know how my babies should look like.. it's again the pain with the happiness..or happiness with pain..

I now have 7 weeks to go before the arrival of baby walker.. and I can't wait.. I just want 4th August to arrive and for her to be safely in my arms... I am scared beyond belief, but these last two years I have fought many battles and whether we have won them or not we are still living and learning to accept the path that we have been given and so I will continue to tread this path and hope and pray we go along it while growing stronger and stronger each day..

To my little Theo, you are missed and loved each day.. you will be a wonderful brother to your little sister as you look down on her.. I wish I could be cuddling you both at the same time but always know that you are cuddled as I carry you in my heart every day and love you so much..

To my little daughter on her way... You are very much wanted and loved already.. I love feeling your kicks and wriggling in me, and we all so want to give you a cuddle.. so please stay strong inside me, and arrive safely in this world...I know you have Theo as your guardian angel looking after you.. so you will always be safe where ever you are...

I love you Theo and my new little daughter kicking away inside of me ...

love your mummy xxxxx

http://youtu.be/p6wmbNBkX48 for you my little man on hushabye mountain.... xxxxx

Feel a bit wobbly with emotions today.. part of me feels happy at the moment.. think weather makes me feel better and so far touch wood pregnancy going well and there is hope that we might have our little person at the end of it.. but the other part of me starts crying when I feel happy, as i feel so terrible for feeling happy..i feel it's wrong and unfair on Theo.. made me realise how for the last year or so I have just felt numb to anything, just a dull ache inside.. and now I feel for once happy.. and it hurts to feel happy.. it's really weird...it just makes me cry.. And today i suddenly got scared that maybe im not going to be a good mummy to this little person, all i know how to be is a mummy to Theo who wasnt very well and he left us.. maybe im just not meant to look after a little person, and im worried that when this little person comes along I will begin to feel the real hurt and pain (that i know is hidden so well inside me at the moment) of not having Theo that I won't be able to cope.. don't know where this has surfaced from...anyway just wanted to share that's what i'm feeling today, happy but sad!

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Smiles and laughter through a sad and broken heart......

Sometimes it catches you unawares, when your walking down the road, sitting on the tube, driving in the car, sitting on a bus, words in an email, on a text, or just sitting alone having a cup of tea, sometimes it can be felt through laughter..its the rush of emotion that swoops upon you, and sometimes you find yourself with tear drops running down your cheek unaware that they are making a small pool on your lap or the person opposite you can see them more than you can feel them. Sometimes though it's a smile that spreads across your face when you remember something and your heart warms up with those memories. The memories that are so precious to you that no-one can take them away

The more I talk or read about other parents having lost a child, the more I realise how similar the feelings are we all have.. Why them before us, their innocence lost, what did they do wrong, how our future has changed without them, how sadness now seeps into your bones like a drip. This drip of sadness doesn't cover the genuine smile you have on your face when you are with your friends and family, or cover the laughter you might have when something or someone takes you to a happy place..but what it does is it just becomes entwined in you, its like the spreading of the roots of a tree, it just keeps spreading and taking hold of you and just like a tree you still grow old, tall and strong because you have to because the world doesnt stop and you have to keep moving with it. So you end up smiling and laughing through a sad and broken heart!

I have been torn about writing about my pregnancy on Theo's blog, as part of me feels that this blog is just for Theo, and only for Theo.. but then Theo and this little person that is growing inside me are brothers or sisters together and even though Theo isn't here phyiscally with us he will hold this little person hand and be a big brother to him/her and being pregnant with this little person brings me closer and closer to Theo each day. I don't know if it is the mummy hormones that have arrived again, but I just feel like I can feel a bit closer to being what it was like to be Theo's mummy as well as a mummy to this person. I certainly am not saying that this little person is replacing Theo.. as I hold strongly in my heart that this little person is his/her own person in their own right, they are not just going to be always seen or feel that they are just "Theo's little brother or Sister" they will be loved with all our heart for who they are... My pregnancy with this one, is hard though, and I have started to grieve harder for Theo each day, i feel jealous again when I look at people who have one child and then pregnant with another, I want to have Theo with me too and have another little person, I want to be a mummy with two living people. I forgot that I still have to work out how to answer the questions such as "Is this your first child" "have you been pregnant before" do i say yes, or do i say no.I find i say no to some people about being pregnant or having a child as I just don't want to hurt them or upset them! after I have lied I then say im sorry to Theo and hope he forgives me!... It's quite a lonely place sometimes being pregnant with your second having lost your first.. and I'm sure that is the same for so many people who have lost their first child...but your not at that exciting place where first time mothers are, where the excitement takes over fear.. where even though it seems a chore of going to NCT it actually is a great place to start as you meet other first time mothers and you all meet up after babies are born, and you don't really have this, this time round, you can't express to others how scared you are about it as you don't want them to feel scared themselves.. that you never ever let yourself believe that a baby will be in your arms at the end of the day.. that just because I am pregnant doesn't mean that we have moved so far on and that we don't still walk around with grief... It's deciding if we are going to change Theo's bedroom.. how you feel racked with guilt for possibly doing it, but yet know that you have to do this for your little person..becasuse as I said earlier your little person has to be their own person too. It's deciding if the clothes in the drawer that you can't bring yourself to look at it or even touch because you might cry all over them, will be used again, or will you start again... and if you start again where do you put Theo's clothes. It's dreaming of the day you will go round buying new things for your baby, but then being hit the with day that you had to do that for Theo knowing that you were only brining home to pass away and these items where just short term. It's going back to the same hosptial and walking into the same scanning rooms where you lay with Theo being told the worst, it's fighting back the emotions to say we are so so happy that this baby is ok but WHY OH WHY did Theo get chosen to have the heart problem.. WHY oh WHY! From reading this you are probably thinking, my goodness why are they having another child if she isn't over the moon with being pregnant.. I am over the moon with being pregnant.. it is what Dan and I want so badly, but I didn't realise that all these emotions and feelings would arise..and it took me by surprise to be honest.. but it is how it is, it isn't easy.. I don't have an easy pregnancy or a happy pregnancy to compare with, and hopefully if we go on to have more children then each pregnancy which is uncomplicated I can enjoy more.. but for now I guess I want you to understand that it's hard... that I miss Theo while i'm pregnant, that i'm also happy that i'm pregnant... and all i want is for a happy healthy baby in August but also to have my little boy with me too.....

And so you can see why i have entitled this "smiles and laughter through a sad and broken heart"......

When my heart starts to crumble
and the tears start to fall.
You hold me close with tender lovin'
and give me strength to carry on.

I'll never let you go.
You're always on my mind
You're the only one for me
You're all I need, and I'll never, never let you go

A poem sent to be by my best Friend mima who said she felt this was sent by Theo... thank you.... xxxxxx

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This time last year, Theo the bear was probably having a little snooze on my chest having been for a little walk around Fulham, or having visited the local pub for some lunch, or having had lots of cuddles with grannies, grandpa's, uncle's, aunts, godparents or a little play with his girlfriend Rosie. Then, before the night is out, his Daddy would have come home from work and they would have had a chitter chatter together on the sofa about their very busy days and so this time last year, Dan, Theo and I were a complete little family. It may have been short but it has given us these happy special memories which I know we are so fortunate to have.

Theo turned 1 on 20st November, the build up to it I think was actually more difficult to deal with than the actual day. You have no idea what you are going to feel like, you are scared about the way you may react or not react. However, I can say we survived! I think the way to explain this is that every day of our lives we live with this ache, this loss, our bodies, minds and soul are condition to not having Theo with us. Don't get me wrong, I thought about what I would have done for him on his birthday day, I wanted the house to be decorated in balloons and to have a house full of little people and to smother him in kisses and watching him waddle around.. but I couldn't dwell on that thought for too long as I know that this would bring pain and I'm too scared to take on that pain on top of everyday grief. We made sure that Theo's day was about celebrating, Theo's Grannie and mummy baked a birthday cake for him during the week, i made peanut butter sandwiches and took hula hoops to his little bed and then Dan and I sent a ballon of to bear land and sang him happy birthday and had a picnic. Every weekend when we are at Theo's bed I sit there on the bench and for a moment I think about everyone who is getting up that morning waking up their little people, playing with them, taking them for walks and enjoying their Sunday, and I think about Dan and I who can only be with Theo by his bed, touching him through his flower, kissing his cross and sitting on his bench, and it's then that it hits me how desperately sad this is and how unfair and that's what I felt for a moment at Theo's bed on his birthday when we sat there together, thinking this is not how we should be celebrating his birthday.. he should be with us. However, as I said his birthday was about celebrating, he came into this world fighting and we deserved to give him that celebration.

In the build up to Theo's birthday I have been nervous of these weeks between his birthday and the day he passed away. I was scared of having the thoughts that "this time last year he was alive" feeling the pain that I don't have him with me now and will those memories be too hard to take on, but as i said earlier, i realise how lucky I am to have these memories, to have had the chance to have cuddled him, to change his nappy, to show him off to the world to be his mummy and to bring him home, and so I think that's what is allowing me to cope.. so far! I don't know what 21st December will feel like and I have those memories of the day he left us as we cradled him in our arms. There are just so many emotions, thoughts and feelings to take on every day that I guess you can only take each day at a time..but if feels like this all happened only yesterday, but Dan and I have lived through our first year of grief without Theo.

Grief...I battle with my grief daily..not in the sense with trying not to loose control, or crying or whailing or anything like that, infact completely the opposite, i battle with the fact that I am not doing it like that, that I am still very much still standing, still in control, where are the tears and where is the whailing... I feel alot of the time that I must be letting Theo down as his mother.. that if perhaps I was crying and whailing then perhaps then I really was a proper mummy... but somewhere I found this off switch that stops this pain that I know is hidden so inside me...I guess I am scared of what will happen when the button is turned on what if I just can't stop the crying and crying that is bubbling inside of me..and yet part of me so wants this crying and crying to happen to let this deep pain come to the surface and flow out of me... We started to go through Theo's things at the weekend, we found his baby hair that the hospital cut, hospital tags, his early scans and information on his heart condition, cards from friends and family and pictures from the day he was born. It reminded me how scary it all was from the moment we found out about his scan. How we have battled with our emotions from the day we found out about Theo's condition right through to now and for evermore. It reminded me of the pain I felt when we found out about Theo, how scared i was, how we jumped on that roller coster from that very day and have never got off! How I cried and cried not knowing where this would lead us, how we prayed that we were doing the right thing for Theo, how we battled with every right and wrong that we came across and so maybe I should be grateful that I am still standing and not loosing control and hiding behind the curtains because we have taken every battle head on and I guess what I am trying to do is take grief head on too and not let it beat me...but I wish oh wish that it wasn't so hard!

I think I am a different person from who I was before Theo and his first scan, although half the time i'm not quite sure who I am any more. I went through so many emotions, and I battle so many emotions and thoughts, for instance, for the first two weeks Theo was shared amongst the nurses. I look back now and I realise how from the moment I gave birth, Theo was taken away from me and all I want to do now is go back to that very moment and just hold him on my skin and not let anyone come in between me and him. Then there were the two weeks he came home, and trying to get my head round the fact that "ok i have my little boy with me now, but also I don't know if tomorrow he will be with me or not, and then from small things like, am i feeding him properly, changing his nappy enough, winding him properly, perhaps as he has come home he will actually be ok!..what will happen when he detiroriates, am i brave enough, why oh why is this happening...how will we cope when he passes away... how will my family around us cope... But I guess a year on, we did cope and we have survived, but every time I think I'm out of this cloud of shock I realise that actually maybe I am not, as the magnitude of it all is really so great and I think this is maybe because as the 21st December draws closer all my memories are flooding back to me.....

I have a part in my heart, body and soul, that is only for Theo. It is like a little box and inside it I carry my love for him, the happy memories for him, but also my grief and aching for him, and that is the part of me that is just for Theo. I don't want that box to ever go, as that is what connects me and Theo, that's what makes me believe that I am his mummy, that we connected. I don't want the ache to fully go away, as without the ache I feel like I am not with Theo..and then around this box there is the rest of me, my future with Dan and i hope one day with Theo's brothers and sisters, and this rest of me believes that life is for living and I know Theo wants that too.. and so Theo's box and the rest of me will go hand in hand in life riding the rollercoster together as we did from the very moment Theo came into this world

I love you Theo the bear, my monkey chops... my very handsome little boy

love your mummy

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Theo the bear, this song has come on the radio a couple of time over the last few days and I hope it is your way of saying hello to me and wrapping me up in a thousand hugs..This song reminds me of you, of the day when you fell asleep in your Daddy and Mummys arms in December of last year... I know that you lit up the world when you fell asleep..you are my precious boy who I love with all my heart and sole.. I miss you Monkey Chops.. forever and ever.....

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Because they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I'd just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because everything is never as it seems

Because I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because everything is never as it seems

When I fall asleep leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Because i feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep?

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird because I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Because I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because everything is never as it seems

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because everything is never as it seems

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

Poems Taken from other grieving parents which have touched me

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger person.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a someone who has lost a child.

I'm sending a dove to heaven with a parcel on its wings.
Be careful how you open it
it’s full of beautiful things
Inside are a million kisses
wrapped up in a million hugs
To say how much you mean to us
and that we miss you lots
God came and stood beside your bed
He took your hand and softly said
You've suffered more than you can stand
Now come with me to a better land.
Tired and weary you made no fuss
But you'd tried so hard to stay with us.
We lived in hope we prayed in vain
That God would make you well again
But God decided we must part
He eased your pain but broke our hearts.
Your photo stands in pride of place
A lovely smile lights up your face
You always seem to be so near
How we wish you were still here
It seems so strange that those we need
And those we love the best
Are just the ones god calls away
And takes them home to rest.
Heartaches in the world are many
But to lose my Son was worse than any
My love for you will always keep
It will not fade it is too deep
The hardest thing in life to bear
Is to want my Son and hes not there.

Bereaved Parents Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her/him back.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child
lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was
important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the
cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have
allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't
shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want
you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you
would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my
child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these
things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years
are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief
will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day
I die.

I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand
that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I
will always grieve that she is gone.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be
happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate
yourself.

I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me
grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is
miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please
be as patient with me as I am with you.

So new term has arrived outside my door. The school opposite is lined with mummies and little people, some crying wanting to stay with their mummies, some rushing in to see their friends again. There is a slight mist to the morning, and chill to the air, it reminds me of when I was younger and starting the autumn term at school. It reminds me of how I just wanted to stay at home with my mummy and not go anywhere. A sense of sadness crept over me then and it still remains with me now. But today it's loaded with more sense of sadness a day when I wish I could see the hope that I was one day going to take Theo to school and if Im honest I want to be that mummy who is starting the autumn term. I'm jealous of them all standing at the school gate.

I dreamt of Theo last night. Think this must be the second time I have dreamt of him. It was such a strong feeling when I woke up. In the dream I really felt like I was his mummy, I remember I was holding him in his blue and white stripped babysuit. He started to crawl and talk in my dream (obviously so advanced for his years!) He was singing the song that Dan and I sing "Theo, Theo the bear...." To be able to hold in my arms in my dreams felt so real and so like he was with me. It made me realise again today how unfair all of this is, how I slightly feel like did I do something wrong in a previous life to have this happen to Dan and I.

I have again realised how grieving is such a rollercoster ride and how the emotions can swoop down on you and knock you off your feet without realising until you feel like you have been punched and lying on the floor again!... I can honestly say that since achieving the 3 peaks (which was tough tough tough!) I felt like I turned a corner over the summer. I found a new energy and sense of purpose and spirit in me that I had felt I had lost. I found myself at my sisters hen weekend actually saying to myself that i'm enjoying this and it's ok to enjoy this and I'm happy to be enjoying myself and Theo will be happy too. I found my self esteem again. I realised that I could go out on a social evening without Dan and be ok and be confident again. I decided to realax a bit with everything. I realised that since Theo had passed away I decided I needed to stay in control of everything. I couldn't relax in anything I did and I was scared to let Dan leave my side, but after the 3 Peaks this has slowly changed and I think by taking the control reins of me a little It has helped me to move forward with freer steps! My sisters got married last weekend. It was such a wonderful weekend and I am so happy for her and Duncs. I know that Theo would have been there with her on the day. I always thought he would have been hiding under her dress while she was in the church, as I think Theo would have been a little shy!... It was emotional day in so many ways and I longed for Theo to be there and to show him off to the world. It's like walking around without a limb, but it was a day for happiness and in the build up to the wedding when there were moments that I wondered if I would cry or not get through it I knew that Theo would be saying to me that this was his Godmumy's Sarah's day and there are so many other days for Dan and I to get sad, so with that in my mind. I made sure that I danced the night away with him on my shoulders and in my heart.

But here I am today, on the other end of the rollercoster, the bit where i feel like I have been punched and lying on the floor! I always knew that after my sisters wedding and the start of September things were going to get tough emotionally. It's the final 3 months before Theo's first birthday, the weather has changed and it evokes so many emotions, memories and feelings. I feel lost without Theo, I feel angry without Theo and today I feel angry with the world. The energy has gone and the self esteem is low. I don't want to beaten by this, but today I feel like I actually do want to be beaten! that I want to be the grieving mother on a heap in the floor who is wailing, crying and shouting asking for my baby to come back and let me hold him one more time... But this won't and can't happen and do you know that's what makes me so scared and angry with life is that no-one can change what has happened, there is no small chance that Theo might come back, that he might get better, that he might be ill but at least we have him with us. There is none of that. It just is what it is and no-one can change that! However, even when I feel as low and angry as i do this morning, what I also know is that I have a dog to walk and cuddle, a bathroom to rennovate and colours and fabrics to pick and a life to live, and also a life to enjoy with wonderful family and friends and I can't and will not be beaten by this. But for the next few months maybe bare with me while I'm on this bumpy ride which will take us towards Theo's first birthday.

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To my little boy Theo,

Maybe today we would have walked along the river with the sun on our backs, chatting away to each other about silly things (i know you can't talk as your too little) so I would have done the chatting for you.. maybe we would have stopped for ice cream on the way too. Maybe today I would have dressed you in some blue shorts and t-shirt... and a big floopy hat!...Maybe we would have stopped for a picnic in the park and now that your crawling you would be enjoying the grass inbetween your toes and fingers. Maybe we would have dipped our toes in the water to cool you down and splashed about with lots of giggles... maybe we would have got sleepy together and had a snooze under a big tree.... maybe we would stop for a cuppa tea in a coffee shop on the way home and I would have shown you off to all the world to see..maybe now we would have gone home to find Daddy.. I KNOW that now we would wrap you up in our arms and cudddle you and sing you to sleep, tell you how much we love you from the tips of your spikey hair to the bottom of you toes!...and maybe our world would seem perfect and complete...

So many things I want to do with you today Theo...I feel a little lonely today with out you...so i will take you in my heart and maybe I will do all those things anyway and maybe you will be with me my little boy..

maybe... just maybe........

I found this song by Allie Moss and I loved these lycris.. It made me think of Dan and I and the journey which began almost a year ago last week....

"Corner"

When your world trembles and quakes
And your footing suddenly shakes and shakes

Take my hand, we’ll hide in the corner, hide in the corner
Take my hand, we’ll hide till it’s over, till it’s all over

We have choices to make
We have promises that we can’t break
There is nothing left to lose
So hold on to me
I’ll hold onto you

Take my hand, we’ll hide in the corner, hide in the corner
Take my hand, we’ll hide till it’s over, until it’s all over

It feels like Dan and I have been in quite a dark place for the last month. It crept upon us slowly and then we realised we were in the midst of what felt like no-mans land. We could neither go back to the life we desperately wanted which is to have our little boy with us and be a happy family, nor are we particularly moving forward to anywhere else. There are moments when you feel it's all a bit pointless and your tolerance level for the world around you is fairly limited and the energy you once felt you had is now somewhere in the bottom of a big pit! I sometimes describe it as walking through thick oil! You are desperate to be able reach the otherside but your feet just get stuck but your top half keeps on trying to swim through it. I was asked if I would prefer to be walking through thick oil or be back in the punching ring fighting for Theo. Hands down I would be back in the punching ring. If I could take those punches again for Theo I would. I would take them over and over again, because at least I would feel like I had a purpose for Theo and had something to fight against and I would try and get back up again and say "ok take me on, punch me as hard as you can, but I will get back up" but now, it's just flat. There is no fight back, who am I fighting now. It is what it is. I don't have Theo here and that hurts. I don't have energy to feel the passion, because I don't have Theo to fight for. While these feelings have been clutching us, Dan and I have very much hidden away.We have found it hard to want to be social and face the world. Not that we have stopped functioning, we have just found socialising hard. What do we have to say and what can we say! and yet at the same time we have felt so angry that we have felt like this. Why can't we go out and be who we were, will we want to hide away for ever, what if when we do emerge everyone would have moved so far on that we will be lost again!

However as I write this, this dark place has slowly started to lift again...and on Monday I woke with renewed energy. I don't know where it has come from, but it has come along and I have decided to embrace it and go with it and allow that spring in my step to keep me moving forward as that's what I wanted when I was stuck in that oil! It's small steps and those feelings I have written about above are still very much there but just not so intense. We have been taking our time over the last few days..catching up with people in small groups and continue to talk with each other about where we are and how we are coping with it all...I think it's working. It may come crashing down around us again in a few weeks or months time, but for now that oil is a little less sticky!

Today is Father's day.. and Theo's lovely Daddy was woken with various presents by Theo, mainly pictures in frames and a card from Theo too. We went to visit Theo today, his bed is so pretty and we have planted so many flowers around him, he is like a ray of sunshine. It seems so unfair that Dan is visiting his son this way, and all we can do is hug him in our heart and hold him there for ever. Theo would have been and I know still is so proud of his Daddy, just as I am. Dan holds strength and love for his family that is powerful yet tender.

Theo would have loved sitting watching the US open with his daddy this weekend, and I know that Dan would love to have his little boy with him now watching it together and one day for Theo to be asking him all those questions about Golf, Cricket and Rugby. When I look at pictures of Theo I see his daddy in him, there is the expression that Theo has that I sometimes see in Dan, with his dark eyes and spikey hair. Theo is the most beautiful boy and we are so proud of him. I know he is never far away from us, and I often long for a sign from him, often searching in the sky at the clouds, or in the streams in richmond park, or the tap on the pipes again.

I hope little bear you are happy, you are walking along the stream with basil the bear in one hand, boggles the dog trotting along side you and the sun shining down on you (wearing a sun hat please!) and feeling our love for you what ever adventure you are on....

I love you and miss you my monkey chops...

Love mummy xxxxxxx

I don't really want to only write this when I am feeling down, but I guess writing is a form of Therapy so by the end of this blog i might feel better!

Today I woke up feeling really quite teary, I had a dream about Theo last night, it was such a comfort to have, he was a proper little boy with light brown hair and a cheeky smile! But waking up from that dream bought me back to earth with a bump and the realisation of how much I am missing Theo. It's the small things at the moment that really break my heart, like looking out of my bedroom window to the school opposite and watching a child cling onto the leg of his mummy because he doesn't want to leave her, it's watching a little person fall over in the street and their mummy picks them up and kisses them to make them feel better. It's seeing Dad's out together playing with their boys and feeling the pain for Dan at the same time as feeling your own pain. Its wanting to drive Dan to golf today but not with Biggles the dog!! but with Theo in the back of the car and us going off for a walk together while his Daddy plays golf! It's having to work out day by day if when you are asked do you have children to say "yes I do"or "yes I do but he is no longer with us" because you don't want to upset that person who has asked. It's wanting to scream from the top of your voice that you are a mummy and you do have a son and yes it is ok to ask about him and to ask how I am doing, please do, because at the moment Theo is what I think of everyday and most of the hours in the day too. It's realising that every day I am constantly making a decision about how to deal with situations, that around every corner there might be the thing that will make my heart break a little bit more. That suddenly I have reached a place in my life where I don't know if I will ever be that person that I was before, at the moment it feels like a tiny part of me has died too and that even though I wear a smile on my face and get on with my life without much fuss or burden to others and still laugh with others I know that beneath that all my heart is heavy and how do I know if that will ever change.

It's funny because when I read that paragraph back I know that it sounds like I am in a desperate place and not coping well with it all. Don't worry I am! It's just to show you that this is what I constantly carry around with me, day in day out but between all the difficult times that we encounter I am still getting on with life and taking the bull by the horns, facing the world and smiling and laughing with the world too and making sure that Theo would be proud of his mummy. Since I wrote my last blog I have joined an art class on Tuesday evenings. There are only 5 of us but I love it. I immerse myself in my paint and don't feel guilty about feeling like i'm enjoying it and I always think Theo would be proud of his mummy doing something different which is out of my normal comfort zone! I have also joined forces with a girlfriend of mine, Charlotte and we have started up our Interior Design Company called LaVita Style. Already we have a couple of jobs on the go. I'm so enjoying it and loving being busy and working with Charlotte. Charlotte comes to my home most days to work and we sit in the kitchen with Theo's picture and candle in the middle and Biggles the dog chewing at our feet! It really is great way to keep me going!

There have also been some wondeful fundraising events for Theo in the last few weeks. Theo's grandparents organised a tennis tournament for him. It was such a lovely day and I know that for Theo's grandparents it was also hard and comes with many emotions for them too, but it was a day which was filled with so much warmth, love and support by everyone for them. I was also so proud of Dan who stood up and introduced himself as "Theo's Dad". Again, it's small things like that which we don't get to do that often so it's such a wonderful feeling when you have moments to do it.

Anyway I am feeling a bit better now I have written, today is just a bumpy day and tomorrow I hope will be a brighter day....

Thanks for reading........

xxxxxxxxxxxx

TIME TO WRITE A BLOG!

It's only been three months since we said goodbye to Theo.. I say "only 3 months" as sometimes 3 months can whizz by whereas sometimes it can go by so slowly. This time last year I was eagerly waiting my 12 week scan for Theo. That seemed like the longest 3 months of my life! The excitement and anticipation of waiting to see a new life forming in you can seem to take so long. Yet I look back to 21st December 2009 the day that Theo passed away and in some ways it feels like life has stood still while the world whizzes by, clocks go forward and a new season emerges! I can't deny that with the clocks going forward and the days being longer it begins to help an aching heart for Theo.

So in these past 3 months, Dan and I have started to learn and deal with what grieving is about. I decided very early on that I was not going to let grief beat me or destroy me! I know that this probably isn't the right way to go about dealing with grief. I started to read grief books very quickly after Theo passed away and a lot of them say that you should not fight grief, you should let it all come out. But also that grief really hits you at about 6-8 weeks after the death of the person you love. I remember very early on being terrified of what will happen to me at 6-8 weeks, will I break down and never be able to get out of bed again, never wash my hair, never want to eat (mmm I wish!!) have the curtains shut all day long, have piles of dirty plates and pans in the sink (mmm not much changes there!) or even end up on antidepressenants! However, non of these seem to have happened! Im still waiting! You see Im slightly confused as to what I really want with this grief! To begin with I decided I didn't want to feel the immense pain that I know is hidden somewhere deep within me.But now as the 6-8 weeks has passed and im still sane and I have been getting on with life, maybe not in the way I used to and with such passion but I have not hidden away from the world I now sort of want this immense pain to be released from within me, I want to cry and cry and hide away from the world. But something won't let me, something in me won't explode, it just doesn't happen. It doesn't mean to say I don't cry, I do but I guess I am measuring myself against grief meaning "non functional:, but actually I don't think it really does mean that. From what I am learning from books and councilling etc.. is that everything you experiance is "normal" Sometimes I hate the word "normal" I want to shout out, "but this is not normal" I have lost my son, this is not normal, I am not normal compared to everyone else I know. But then I think, if they said I was not normal then I would freak too. Just so you know.. all those thoughts are normal too! NORMAL i am just normal! A strange word when you say it over and over again!.

Another normal thing about grief is that you sometimes dissaociate yourself from who you are. For instance you feel like you are looking in on your life, watching if from the outside (I know I don't sound normal now!) but I think I have gone through this. You see after we buried Theo, and we started 2010, I think, from what I can remember it was all about being in immense shock. If you asked me at the time how I was doing I would say, "im doing ok" I was whizzing around sorting out broken boilers for various properties, having every day conversations with people, going to the shops, being focused, just moving forward and thinking I was doing well. Sometimes I would catch myself thinking, If I was watching someone else go through this I would think how strong they were and how I wouldn't be able to behave the way there were, I would be a mess, curled up in the corner crying and then I snap out of it and realise that I am that person and I am coping and this is all real and why oh why am I dealing with this boiler and sorting out things.. why am I not just curled up!!.. I think you are probably seeing a pattern now that, I am battling with the fact that I am coping!!